2篇法律专业文书写作原稿VS范文 你真的会讲故事吗?

易伯华留学,国际留学申请,海外名校申请,留学费用,留学方案,国际留学,留学服务

如果有一个非常适合的故事，那么你的陈述就会有一个很好的基础，接着要懂得谋篇布局，然后是文法的使用，如何过渡，如何连接，如何使用高级词汇……文书的写作有很大的学问，通过不断地阅读比较原文和修改后的定稿，我们可以获得很多直观的感受。 案例一：

Before

For as long as I can remember,(太通俗了) I've never been complacent with the

knowledge I possess. Constantly setting new goals that will stretch my mind into

something that it was not the day before and allowing every experience to shape

me, while never loosing a handle on my own personal convictions and what I have

learned along the way, has always been a way of life for me. For me, pursuing a

legal education is not a terminal accomplishment, nor will obtaining a legal

degree quench this ongoing thirst for knowledge that I have always had; I don't

want it to. I constantly need to be in pursuit of challenging goals (减少重复使用单词词组的次数)that that require considerable mind expansion and personal

reflection. The experiences and knowledge that I will acquire in attending law

school will stretch my mind to think in ways that I never have, allowing me to

face future intellectual, professional, and academic goals with confidence and

enthusiasm.(没有故事，废话太多)

Mid way through my senior year, the University of Arizona choose me to be

their undergraduate representative at the "Arizona First" town hall meeting, a

three day, bipartisan conference focus on shaping legislation that will bring

economic growth and prosperity to AZ. During this three day

(不要多次强调会议时长)conference I worked closely with Arizona state representatives and

senators, the majority of whom where lawyers, in proposing new legislation with

the potential of bringing new job opportunities, more commerce, and an overall

better standard of living to the state. It was one of the first time in my life

when textbooks no longer mattered, and the weight of reality stared face to face

with idealism and hope for a better tomorrow(这两个形容意思差不多，多余). As the conference

progressed, I began to notice the group who's knowledge seemed to fair the

stormy debates and arguments the best where the lawyers, but not because of

superior information or inside knowledge. As each new issue emerged, the lawyers

just seemed to(反复使用这一词组显得很不自信) have an inherent way of balancing the weight of

difficult situations, interactions, and dilemmas in ways others could not. The

experiences I took away from the conference provided me with a new way of

looking at problems: placing more emphasis on the approach one uses in handling

conflicts that involve personal interaction. As I interacted and spoke with more

lawyers, I began to reflect on my own situation and life goals, and more

importantly the best means to obtain them. It was at this point in time that the

desire to embark on a legal career started to take shape.

In my last year of college I realized the true rewards of challenging myself

academically, and intellectually. I could have graduated in four and a half

years with a concentration in finance and called it quits, but I didn't. I

stayed the extra semester to obtain my second concentration in accounting; a

decision I will never regret. The abstract nature of finance and seemingly

concrete precepts of accounting have provided me with a wealth of knowledge and

tools for looking at situations from many angles and the ability to bridge the

mental gaps between these two ways of thinking. Distinguishing myself in both

programs also provided me with the opportunity to become a professor's

assistant. Becoming a PA introduced me to the extremely rewarding challenge of

teaching students who were in need of special assistance, and it allowed me to exercise(单词都过于简单) my newly acquired personal interaction skill I had learned

from the conference. The sense of fulfillment I receive from seeing the bulb

light up in someone's head and the joy it brings to them upon understanding a

previously foreign concept is priceless. I hope to use this form of the

abilities I acquired through this teaching program through my roles as council

in my legal career. (举一些你的打算)My experiences as a PA(什么经历?多谈一点例子) also instilled

in me the desire to return to academia after my professional goals have been

reached, and having a legal degree will make that vision possible.

Joining a fraternity in college was another rewarding adventure that

challenged me in ways I never thought it could. In my third year of college I

was elected the president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, (这是个很好的角色，你做了什么，举例子)assuming

the full responsibility of the chapter as the youngest president in our chapters

history. Running meetings, representing the fraternity on the university level,

and being the fraternity's spokesman in the community helped me refine my

leadership, organizational, and speaking skills. Under my guidance as president,

our fraternity went from 7th place out of 8 fraternities scholastically, to 2nd

in my last semester, and 1st in the following semester. Upon fulfilling my

vision of having a chapter free of any financial and scholastic probations, I

was recognized with the "Order of the Phoenix," the highest national award that

can be give to a brother from exemplary leadership and zeal.

Leaving academia and entering into the professional world has been full of

challenges. In my short time at Pricewaterhouse,(第一次出现在文章中，写出公司全名)I have been

given tremendous personal responsibilities and chances to excel personally and

as part of a team. Due to the knowledge that I gained in my summer internship

with the firm, on my first engagement at Matrix Financial Services, I was given

senior responsibilities to perform an audit and supervise the work of my

assistants, a responsibility typically reserved for those accountants who have

been with the firm for two or more years. Learning the skills necessary to plan

and perform an audit has given me tremendous experience in researching difficult

issues and practicing critical thinking on a professional

level.(学了啥技能，怎么就有了这样的体验，你的例子在哪?)

Despite the professionally rewarding responsibilities and chances for

achievement that Pricewaterhouse has offered me, staying in an accounting firm

in the capacity in which I serve will not allow me to reach my full potential

intellectually, academically, or professionally. (上文已经用过这些词了)Public accounting is a

noble profession, and obtaining my CPA certification this year will provide me

with invaluable skills when dealing with business clients. But by nature of the

profession, I find myself in an adversarial role with the clients I am engaged

with. Serving the adversarial role is in constant conflict with my advocate

personality. Leaving public accounting to obtain a legal degree will be a

challenging, yet exciting switch to a profession more consistent with my

personality traits: loyalty, fidelity, (这两个单词指一个意思，多余)and personal

servitude.

The decision to pursue a legal education has come after long personal

deliberation. But every personal reflection points me in the direction of law

school. The chance to challenge myself and realize my full potential is the

ultimate goal in attending law school. Having the experiences and the opened

mindset that law school will provide with me, I can set even higher academic,

professional, and intellectual goals and pursue them with steadfast

determination, perseverance, excitement and self-assurance like never

before.(最后一段最好谈谈你的个人特质，这些特质对你以后的法律学习是有所帮助的)

After

Halfway through my senior year at the University of Arizona, I was chosen to

be the undergraduate representative at "Arizona First," a three-day, bipartisan

conference focused on shaping legislation to bring economic growth and

prosperity to the state. During the conference, I worked closely with state

representatives and senators--the majority of whom were lawyers--proposing

legislation to create new job opportunities, more commerce, and an increased

standard of living in Arizona.

For the first time in my life, textbooks no longer mattered. I was faced with

the weighty challenge of balancing reality with idealism. As the conference

progressed, I noticed that the most effective participants were lawyers, not

because of superior information or inside knowledge, but because they

instinctively knew how to deal with the difficult situations and interactions

that arose. The conference taught me to appreciate the interpersonal subtleties

of conflict resolution and showed me that I would succeed in a career as a

lawyer.

During my last year of college, I experienced the rewards that flowed from

academic and intellectual challenges. Although I had the option of graduating

with a degree in finance in four and a half years, I stayed an extra semester to

obtain a second degree in accounting. The abstract nature of finance and the

concrete precepts of accounting have provided me with a wealth of knowledge and

the ability to look at problems from both a theoretical and a practical

perspective.

By distinguishing myself in both of my academic programs, I was granted the

honor of becoming a Professor's Assistant (PA). As a PA, I experienced the

extremely rewarding challenge of teaching students in need of special

assistance, and I drew upon the people skills that I had learned at the

conference. Helping students understand previously foreign concepts is an

indescribable feeling, and the work convinced me to pursue a career teaching

law.

In my third year of college, I was elected president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon

(SAE), assuming full responsibility as the youngest president in our chapter's

history. Running meetings, representing the fraternity to the university, and

serving as the fraternity's spokesman in the community helped me refine my

leadership, organizational, and speaking skills. Before my tenure, SAE was

second-to-last in academic rankings among fraternities. After I left, we were

number one. For leaving the chapter free of any financial or scholastic

probations, I received the "Order of the Phoenix," the highest national award

given to a brother for exemplary leadership and zeal.

Transitioning from academia to the professional world, I obtained a position

as a summer intern at PricewaterhouseCoopers. Based on my background and

experience, I was assigned the role of supervising my assistants during my first

audit, a responsibility typically reserved for accountants who have been with

the firm for two or more years. Learning to plan and execute an audit has

further developed my researching and critical thinking skills, which will

enhance my competency as a lawyer.

Despite the professional opportunities and rewards available at PwC, I do not

believe that I can reach my full potential intellectually, academically, or

professionally in an accounting firm. Public accounting is a noble profession

and obtaining my CPA certification will provide me with invaluable skills for

dealing with business clients. However, I too often find myself engaging with my

clients as an adversary rather than as an advocate. Leaving this field to obtain

a law degree will allow me to pursue a career that is more consistent with my

dominant personality traits: loyalty and charity.

I look forward to law school as an opportunity to develop my most cherished

personal characteristics. As an experienced leader, teacher, scholar, and

professional, I have much to contribute to a program in law. My analytical,

critical thinking, and interpersonal skills will help me become a competent

attorney, and I am anxious to embark on this next stage of my career.

点评：

1. 原稿开篇废话太多，且花了大篇幅也没有很好地说明问题。修改后，第一段首先以的小故事开篇，能快速吸引关注;

2. 原稿有过度总结和概括观点的倾向，却没有具体阐述实例，缺少说服力;

3. 原稿中出现了很多用法不当的俚语和不专业表达;

4. 原稿表达不简洁，有很多重复的地方，且很多单词表达的其实是一个意思。

5. 单次使用不高级，词汇储备不多。

例2

Before：

As I entered the premises for the first time, I was awestruck. In my frequent

travels to Calcutta, India, I had never been so moved.(开头可设置悬念来讲述一个故事) Granted,

I had previously seen women and children begging for money on the road sides and

have walked through the populous city on many occasions, emersed in its

delightful pungent aroma, but nothing had prepared me for what I had experienced

entering Mother Teresa's orphanage in July of 1996. Children who appeared quite

ill were playing and laughing carelessly with the minimal toys and trinckets

they had gathered. Infants, so malnourished they looked as though they could

perish immediately, were clothed in brightly coloured outfits as though it would

disguise their disparity. Whenever I encounter inexplanable situations, I pose

the question, "why?". In this situation the inexplanable element was why are

children, who are so innocent, subjected to such pain and suffering? Since my

initial visit to the centre I have concluded that is no easy answer for that

question.(这个思考是很常见的，有没有更深刻的问题?) However, what little I have been able to do as a

volunteer to make the lives of people who are suffering a little more tolerable

gives me some consolation for the lack of a concrete response to my initial

question.

It is this type of injustice in the world which fuels my desire to reach out

in whatever way that I can. From volunteering at that orphanage in Calcutta

(I've done that twice since my initial visit) to previously supporting

adolescents with emotional, social and behavioural problems at the Children's

Assessment Centre and now by devoting a few hours a week to the Junior

Achievement Program, I try to make a small difference in peoples' lives by

giving them my support, my advise, or my hand. I have decided to pursue a career

in Law primarily for the same reasons why I have volunteered for so many years

of my life, so that I may lend my clients my support, my legal advice and help.

(学习法律与做志愿有什么必然联系?)It is a profession that perfectly matches my personality and

goals, and gives me the ability to fulfill my lifelong dream of making a

significant impact on our society through civil service. (这句有点多余)I realized that

my ability to motivate and help others could lead to great achievements. Law

will definitely enable me to continue to find such opportunities. At first, I

may be helping one person at a time. Yet as time passes and my aspirations

become reality, I envision myself impacting whole cities or states.

In addition, as alluded to above, I am a very inquisitive person. This

characteristic has been cultivated and has grown during my undergraduate career

at McGill University in the Arts and Science Programme and in the Economics

Department. With the support of the facutly professors, who have encouraged such

behaviour, I have been equipped with skills which are necessary to succeed in

one's life. For example, this inquisitive characteristic lead me to choose my

thesis topic pertaining to Islamic Banking. Curiosity got the best of me as in

my readings I came across a particular economy which claimed that interest rates

did not exist in countries ruled my Islamic principles. Using my critical

thinking skills from the Arts and Science program and my economic

knowledge,(这句话说得太满了，没必要) I challenged the non-existance of interest rates and

attempted to put to pieces of the puzzle together. My hypothesis had been

correct. The Islamic economy was in fact dependant upon interest rates, but

disguised that dependence with various other economic priniciples. I love

solving puzzles - discovering pieces, analyzing their importance, uncovering

relationships and then utilizing the information to produce a final

work.(太直接表达爱好了，不如举几个例子) By completing the thesis, I analyzed the countries that

are ruled by the Islamic banking system, drew upon my knowledge of the

traditional economic system, and used the information to decipher and determine

if the claim was true. Writing, research, legal study, and legal practice share

this process with my thesis. Instead of finding the answer written in a textbook

or a journal article, the discovery is information and requires research and

analysis.

In addition to my affinity for research and writing, my work experience has

confirmed my desire to learn more about the law. Currently, I am working at a

Major Canadian Bank(给出银行的名字) as an Assistant Manager. As an investment and

credit adivsor, I have to ensure that my clients' receive the best advise

possible from a financial standpoint. Many legal questions arise when discussing

either credit or investment products. These questions required that I delve into

a field that I knew relatively little about. Questions related to wills,

estates, collections, reposessions etc. are usually the types asked. Through the

help of our legal department, I am able to guide these clients by addressing

their questions and referring them to the appropriate source if more complex

inquiries are made. The law and the banking system share constant variety. Since

both are evolving, they require constant research and learning. Through my

various jobs and by reading various works on law, the breadth and variety

inherent in the law has impressed me. (这种说法太宽泛直接了，你怎么被法律的宽度和深度打动了？)My work at the financial

institution has exposed me to some of the realities of law such as the legal

complexities, the commitment and initiative required, and the diversity of the

work.

The thrill of discovery that I so enjoy in my academic and professional life

partially stems from my travel experiences. Whether traveling through the city

street of Bangkok, visiting my extended family in India, or submerging myself in

European culture, my travels have exposed me to different facets of humanity. My

experiences on foreign soil allow me evaluate daily situations as well as

academic works from a unique perspective.

During my travels I have come face to face with social and economic

injustices. I have come to realize that I have a responsibility to those

forgotten in the world. This has left me with an undeniable need to alleviate

those hardships. Attending law school will give me an opportunity to one day

make changes to the betterment of those I have met. It will give me the ability

to create reform and make a difference in the world.

After：

My previous trips to Calcutta had not prepared me. I had seen women and

children begging on the street for money, but I did not know what to expect as I

made my way through Calcutta's twisting, claustrophobic streets. My lungs filled

with the delightfully pungent aroma of Indian spices and incense as I turned a

corner and faced the gates of Mother Teresa's orphanage.

Entering the premises, I was struck by a curious sight. Children, obviously

quite ill, were playing and laughing on the grounds and enjoying the modest

toys, which had been donated to them. Infants, thin and malnourished, were

clothed in clean, colorful outfits so cheerful that they almost outshone their

wearers' concerns. It was a different world from the desperate Calcutta streets

I had just left.

The experience was very significant for me. I suddenly realized how a hopeful

and optimistic environment could transform even the direst conditions. The

children inside the orphanage were no richer than those begging on the street,

but they had the benefit of a caring environment, which transformed their

poverty-stricken lives into something resembling a normal childhood. There is no

solution to, and certainly no justification for, childhood suffering, but it is

important that we play our own small roles in consoling and helping young

victims of poverty.

Since my initial visit in 1996, I have returned multiple times to Mother

Teresa's orphanage to volunteer my time with the children. I have also been

involved in helping adolescents with emotional, social, and behavioral problems

at the Children's Assessment Centre. Currently, I devote two or three hours to

the "Junior Achievement Program" in my city's elementary school by lending my

hand, my advice, and my support to the children. These volunteer experiences

have given me the chance to improve the community, but I now want to do

something more substantial.

I realize that injustice and suffering in the world are too widespread to be

solved through volunteer activity. Consequently, I want to attack the roots of

these problems and play a more substantial role in the defense of defenseless

victims. This is why I am attracted to the law.

The legal profession will draw upon my interest in social justice and give me

the chance to aid individuals by offering legal advice. I learned through my

work at Mother Teresa's orphanage that commitment to others can lead to great

results. I now want to apply this lesson to the law. At first, my practice may

only help one person at a time. Eventually, I hope to impact entire communities,

cities, and even states.

In terms of career aspirations, I wish to spend a few years after passing the

bar practicing law to gain practical experience and to help individuals

directly. After that, I want to direct my energies toward teaching the law,

since I believe this is the best way to impact the future of society. A single

lawyer can help some, but a law professor can inspire generations of jurists to

pursue social justice.

I have always been very inquisitive and interested in the pursuit of

knowledge for its own sake. As an undergraduate in McGill University's economics

department, I wrote a thesis on Islamic banking practices. I chose the topic

after encountering an article that claimed that interest rates did not exist in

religious Islamic countries. This puzzled me, and I decided to investigate the

matter further. Poring through data from the World Bank and the Organization for

Economic Cooperation and Development, I discovered that such interest rates did

exist, but that they were hidden and disguised within other economic

transactions. Unraveling mysteries and testing hypotheses against data is the

foundation of the legal profession, and I believe that I have the temperament

and cognitive capability to excel in such work.

I have gained exposure to the law through my work at the Bank of Canada as an

Assistant Manager. Through my role as an investment and credit advisor, I am

responsible for ensuring that clients receive the best financial advice

possible. This often entails legal research on my part due to the complex legal

issues that surround many credit and investment transactions. I have worked

closely with the legal department of the bank and have learned a great deal

about estate, collection, and repossession law. This work has enabled me to

guide my clients more effectively and has also taught me to delegate tasks

beyond my competency to more experienced experts in the field. I have seen the

law in action, and I am intrigued by the complexity and subtly of this

instrument.

My study of the law, and my interest in applying it toward social justice,

will be informed by my extensive travel experiences. I have traveled throughout

Asia, from the crowded streets of Bangkok to my family's village in Northeast

India. I have also experienced Western cultures, from attending university in

Canada to studying abroad in Western Europe. These diverse experiences will give

me a better perspective on the global implications of my work and will allow me

to see how national laws influence the entire world community in the age of

globalization.

While I cannot hope to effect as much change as Mother Teresa's orphanage, I

nonetheless feel an obligation to try. By studying law and by using it to

address social ills across the globe, I will contribute to a society that is

more equitable tomorrow than it is today. As a law school student, I look

forward to sharing my experiences with my classmates and to learning the skills

that will help me help others.

点评：

1. 围绕在特蕾莎修女孤儿院工作经历展开叙述，比较有说服力;

2. 文章有语法错误，且表达不流畅。

3. 文章基本要素都很好，需要增加文采。