原来老外的GRE满分ISSUE作文是这么炼成的

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今天给大家讲解一篇最近我刚评分的作文。考生是一个在美国读书的中国人。英语水平基础较强，但是还是有很多可圈可点的地方。

如果大家有自己的文章需要Jennifer老师点评，可以去GRE综合交流区发布自己的文章：http://bbs.yibohua.con/forum-120-1.html

本次的这篇issue的题目如下：

claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial

support they need in order to thrive.

Reason: It is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are

preserved and generated.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or

disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

考生习作如下：

I strongly disagree with the claim that major cities need to receive

financial support from the government in order to thrive. Major cities are

massive revenue machines that financially support themselves. To say that these

cities are places were culture and tradition are preserved is far from the

truth. People from vast cultural backgrounds usually flock towards major cities

. This diversity creates a meshing of culture and almost a tampering of

traditions. I feel that more rural communites are where traditions are preserved

. These types of communities need financial support from the government in order

to thrive.

The first point that I would like to address is that major cities have become

a melting pot of cultures. When you have such a great deal of diversity living

together, it is very easy for traditions to become changed. A recent article in

the New York Times showcased the Christmas traditions of a group of families

living in the north side of San Francisco. Instead of having a traditional

Christmas dinner, the families gather for a casual brunch and then head off to a

late matinee at the local cinema. The religious backgrounds of these families

varies, and they adopted this tradition for the casual atmosphere.

Secondly, Major cities are massive revenue builders and do not need an

injection of government funds to thrive. Not only do cities like Chicago IL have

the magnificent mile, but they also host sports teams from the NBA,NFL, NHL,and

MLB organizations. Theses attractions create a plethora of jobs for the citizens

and generate revenue via admission costs. Citizens of rural communites usually

have a lower education level and work in the public sector. Government funded

projects to clean the streets, improve roads, and maintain nature preserves

allow workers consistent employment throughout the year.

Thirdly,rural communities usually hold more historical landmarks than major

cities. The historical landmarks are essential to newer generations connecting

to the stories of their towns. The town of Bath,England is a great example . The

town received its name due to the bath houses that were built by roman

imperialists. If you go to Bath today, you can tour the remains of one of the

bath houses. The structure is intact, but falling apart. Surely it would be a

wiser investment to revamp the Bath house versus installing another London Eye

in downtown London.

In conclusion, rural towns are the gatekeepers of cultural tradition and

beliefs. In order to preserve a nations culture, government funding should be

allocated to bucolic versus major cities.

我的点评：

总体而言，这篇文章的结构还是很不错的。写作思路很清晰。尽管有一些语法和拼写错误，但是无伤大雅。每个论点都说的很清楚了。

主要有以下一些问题，

1.这篇文章的意思是只有政府来决定他们的大城市该不该收到财政支持。文章的主旨是说cities need it，但是在论点中只是说 give it if

the cities DO need it。所以，在这个问题上并没有支撑论点。文章可以这么改：the government should NOT step in

because cities SHOULD be self-sufficient, 而不是 they simply don't need it.

2.文章需要注意的是主题句们需要直接和文章主旨直接联系起来。但是第二段的主题句并没有做到： "The first point that I would

like to address is that major cities have become a melting pot of

cultures."这句话可以这么改： "The first point that I would like to address is that major

cities are NOT the repository of cultures, because they attract such a variety

of people."这样就能更加切合主旨了。