雅思写作知识点分析(第85期)

雅思培训,雅思写作,雅思写作测试,雅思写作培训,雅思写作课程,易伯华教育

Many people think there is a general increase of anti-social behaviors and

lack of respect for others. What are the causes of this? What measures can be

taken to reduce this problem?

学生在阐述原因中写了这样的句子：

Secondly, the reason is the growing environment. If the family members have

anti-social behavior, it will indirectly affect the people around them and cause

others to have anti-social behavior as well.

教师修改后如下：

In addition, family atmosphere matters. Some family members should be

responsible for this, since young people tend to imitate the behaviors that

their parents or relatives have，such as smoking, swearing or even bullying .

※学生写的过“飘”，一直在绕着“anti-social

behavior”在写，而不是点明什么叫“反社会行为”。这样读者总是若隐若现知道作者的意思，但就是不明白到底强调的重点是什么。因此在这里如果能够把抽象的内容具体化。“anti-social

behavior”除了说表示违法犯罪的行为之外，还有一层意思是表示“违反社会利益”的行为，诸如公共场所吸烟、随地扔垃圾等行为;

※ “ the reason is the growing environment”这个点有些许生硬，可以换成“In addition, family

atmosphere

matters"。后边叙述的内容要点题，并且要说明家庭成员，尤其是年轻人，比较喜欢模仿，才把这些行为“日常化”。原因叙述只要顺畅即可，不存在观点交锋，平铺直叙比较计划。